I have long anticipated the month of March 2019 as it is an important one for me that will shed light on where I will move this year. Over the last few months, I have done a relatively good job keeping most of my life under wraps yet suffered some consequences due to this intentional hiding. I am writing this in support of myself as well as to seek support from people who love me.
The last few months have been the most volatile in my mid-adult life. I still have not reached full-adult which is why I say mid-adult – I am definitely beyond the young adult stage though. Since November, limbo has been a state of being that continuously challenges and redefines my self-perspective. I have been forced to turn inwards, which is notably the scariest thing that I purposely avoid. As a person, I have done a great amount of healing yet I am still so far from where I want to be. Part of me believes that I am not ever supposed to reach a conclusion because I am meant to strive for my best-self no matter what age I am.
My journey to my best-self has been a power struggle between my moral conscious and ego. I work hard to be a humble person who approaches life in a conscious way; however, my ego and sense of pride very much gets in the way of this. I do appreciate that I am aware of this phenomenon because it allows me to constantly work on it as well as notice it when it is evident.
I thought I was doing well until recently when I noticed that I have filled my life with numerous fulfilling things. This has caused me to lose sight of my moral conscious. When I keep myself busy, it behaves as a coping mechanism so I do not have to deal with the root of problems.
My problem right now is that I have no fucking clue where I am moving to this year and what I will be doing there. There is not a thing, in this moment, that I can do about it either. Patience is something I have for other people but do not have for myself. It hurts me to admit it, but my moral conscious needs to hear it as much as possible in order to aid me in my own prosperity.
I allowed my ego to take control and eventually burn me out while convincing myself that this is okay because I am young. When in reality I am young, but this is not okay. I decided that rather than doing things everywhere, that I should stay home while I do them so I can further practice the meaning of patience for myself. Let me mention, I have discovered that issues I truly believed I took care of have slowly resurfaced in this process. This has given me an opportunity to deal with them though.
To deal with them through: studying for two language certificates, taking two courses, working on a large writing sample about global affairs and terrorism, working nearly full-time, enrolling in a 200hr YTT program, keeping up with my media platforms, and waiting for my graduate school admissions.
I have no idea how I am doing all of this, but it is my situation. All while under personal circumstances nonetheless. I need to learn how to find this balance between the mid-adult hustle and journey to best-self. They are dependent on each other. I rely on them, and maybe I need to also work on a balance between moral conscious and ego – come to think of it without either of them I would be super bizarre person.
Many of these things will conclude in March, therefore, I can open myself to new decisions and opportunities that will serve me. To be honest, I am extremely terrified of what is to come. I believe this may be the last time I leave home to pursue what I want in this life. What I want is a variety of things and it is my mission to find a place where I can incorporate them all – this is what will serve me on my journey
March, I am ready for you and the answers you will provide to me.